What are the signs of a Toxic Relationship? Disagreements and misunderstandings happen in every relationship. Someone says something that offends the other, someone feels misunderstood, or tensions rise and voices get raised. These are normal occurrences in nearly every relationship. But what about more toxic relationships? A toxic relationship centers on conflicts and ill will. And these relationships don’t always begin this way. You can be in what seems like a happy relationship only for the tide to turn toward manipulation and control from your partner. At their worst, these relationships can become abusive and even involve domestic violence, making them even more difficult to cope with.
What are the warning signs that you may be in an unhealthy relationship? Some common examples are:
- Frequent criticism from your partner
- Your partner tries to control you by telling you what you can or cannot do or telling you how you should think or feel
- Your partner is frequently jealous for no apparent reason
It may seem like these occurrences are part of all relationships. It may look like jealousy or criticism is normal; after all, you love your partner and they love you, so it can seem like these are simply difficult aspects of any relationship. But it is not normal or common for these to be occurring regularly. These are signs of bad relationships.
What is a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is a relationship without mutual understanding or respect between partners. After spending time together, you feel exhausted, wary, or worse about yourself. Sometimes, only one partner is happy in the relationship as they get pleasure from manipulating the other. Other times, both partners have a negative influence on each other which may include physical, sexual, or psychological abuse.
Why are some people controlling, manipulative, or abusive in relationships? These behaviors are learned, often by growing up around unhealthy relationships as a child. These relationship patterns stem from insecurity. When someone is feeling insecure in themselves, they may feel like they need to resort to control or manipulation to feel more powerful or to make the relationship go their way. Of course, these tactics don’t lead to more security at all, and they certainly don’t improve relationships–just the opposite! But these learned patterns play out nonetheless, as people can’t see healthier ways to behave.
If you are the victim of a relationship partner like this, you can easily begin to doubt yourself and everything around you. You begin to think that you are doing everything wrong or you question your perception of reality when it is constantly criticized by your partner. In this way, your confidence decreases and you feel less and less able to set boundaries and stand up for yourself in the relationship.
What are some other characteristics of an unhealthy relationship? They include:
- humiliation
- insults
- harsh criticism
- ill will and lack of support
- manipulation
- aggression and frequent conflict
When such signs appear in your partner or your relationship, this is something you want to look at. Toxic relationships can improve, but you should be very honest with yourself about this. Is your partner truly likely to change? Can you be happy with things as they are, if change does not happen? These relationships, in general, are more likely to get worse over time, not better.
It’s not uncommon to understand that your partner is controlling or that your relationship is toxic, but to remain in the relationship because you hope things will change. However, know that the manipulation can prevent you from seeing the situation clearly. If your partner does not see problems in his or her behavior and does not want to change the relationship, there will continue to be a toxic environment that is likely to only get worse over time.
More Signs You are in a Toxic Relationship
The signs of a toxic relationship aren’t always so obvious and they may not be noticeable to you. This is because when you enter into a relationship, especially when the relationship starts off happy and hopeful, your mind has a way of blocking out any red flags. Over time, as you’re more and more invested, it becomes harder to see issues clearly. You may punish yourself or feel like the issues are your fault, especially if your partner is blaming you. You may feel like “it’s too late now” or “I should have seen this sooner”, which leads to your mind being even more blind to what’s going on. Sometimes the toxicity is a bit more subtle as well. As you come to doubt your own judgment–as is often the case in these partnerships–the signs may be overlooked. Here are some additional, sometimes more subtle warning signs of unhealthy relationships.
Lack of Support from the Loved One
No relationship can exist without support and a general feeling of good will toward one another. Therefore, when people in unhealthy romance notice signs such as a lack of support, or the lack of a foundation that is based on positive feelings toward one another, this suggests a toxic relationship. In healthy relationships, it feels as if your partner is on your side or has your back more often than not. You don’t doubt their feelings toward you, even through disagreements and occasional conflict. You have the sense that they deeply care for you when things are peaceful and even when they are not.
Too Much Control
One of the main characteristics of an unhealthy relationship is the feeling that your partner is wanting to control your thoughts, feelings, or actions. You feel frequent jealousy and may be forbidden to do the things you want. In a healthy relationship, you should feel comfortable being yourself, free to think, feel, and do as you wish, and not be under constant surveillance.
You Doubt Yourself
The toxic partner in a relationship may try to confuse you with regard to what you think and say. This leads you to doubt yourself, and especially to doubt your concerns about the relationship. While your friends may look at your partnership and clearly see the problems you once saw, over time you might start to question What is a bad relationship? Is this what it looks like? This confusion and doubt leaves you feeling stuck in a situation that you’re unsure of.
Constant Guilt
It can be difficult to notice this sign because it manifests gradually. It might start with your “mistakes” being pointed out and being told that you’re wrong. This happens more and more until, over time, you begin to feel at fault all the time for anything and everything.
You Lose Self-Confidence
Watching your self-esteem is how you can identify a toxic relationship. In a toxic relationship, your self-confidence often plummets. You can’t not relax, as you’re constantly thinking something is wrong with you, including that you’re losing your mind because you’re confused about whether what’s happening with your partner is extreme, or a normal part of relationships. As a toxic partner points out your flaws and puts you down, your self-esteem drops and you feel insecure.
You Often Feel Anxious
Because of constant toxic communication, you might begin to feel anxious. You don’t understand why the relationship is deteriorating, why your partner is behaving the way they are, and you worry that something is wrong with you. The problem is not with you, but a toxic partner who transfers all their problems onto you. As a result, you feel constant anxiety because you’re never sure when you’ll be the target of your partner’s jealousy, envy, and anger.
Frequent Fighting
Every couple has disagreements. However, there is a huge difference between misunderstandings and everyday disagreements and someone who is purposely picking fights and creating causeless conflict. In a bad relationship, anything and everything can become a fight. A simple joke can be turned into a global problem. These things do not happen in healthy relationships; these are signs of a toxic relationship.
You Can Not Be Yourself
Among the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship can be the lack of opportunity to be yourself and show your true feelings. When you try to do what you like, you are judged and not supported. If your partner is trying to turn you into someone they want you to be rather than accepting you as you are, this is not a healthy relationship.
How to Deal with a Toxic Relationship
Unfortunately, many people will experience a toxic relationship at some point in their life. This type of relationship can happen in a family, romantic, friendship, or work environment.
Toxic relationships of any type can take an emotional, mental and physical toll on the people involved. It can take some time to rebuild trust and to settle into healthier relationships after an experience with toxicity. Below are some tips to help move through this as easily as possible.
Consider the Relationship Objectively
It can be difficult to see the relationship objectively because it is not objective to you! But try to step back and look at this from a wider lens. Would an outsider looking in see the signs of a bad relationship? Would an outsider see any benefits? If you were not already in this relationship, would you enter into it knowing what you know now?
Know that We’re Designed to Move on
There is often a pull toward the status quo–not rocking the boat, or making any big changes. Although humans are unbelievably resilient, brains are very efficient and survival-focused and do not like change.
Your mind might try to tell you that it’s not so bad, your partner will change, things in your toxic relationship might get better on their own, or that you’re making a big deal out of nothing, all because they fear the unknown. But know that even though your brain might fight it, we’re designed to move on. Humans are incredibly resilient. When a move (like a break-up), we naturally begin adjusting to our new normal. Change is rarely as difficult or painful as your mind might tell you it will be.
Make Decisions that are Good for You
When breaking it off and moving on, look out for decisions made out of guilt or trying to make the other person happy. It’s very common in any sort of codependent relationship that you might put your partner and their needs before your own, but that only contributes to the issue. Consider what is best for yourself, and prioritize that above all else. It can be very helpful to talk with friends to get their take on things if you’re having trouble seeing it clearly yourself.
Communicate Honestly and Directly
When someone asks ‘‘what is an unhealthy relationship?”, one of the first things that often comes to mind is a relationship where the partners are not communicating with one another. Communicating your desires–including your desire to end the relationship–with honesty and kindness is the cleanest way to move forward.
Set Personal Boundaries
Similar to honest and direct communication, setting honest and clear boundaries is incredibly important. You aren’t being cruel or demanding when you set a clear boundary. Just the opposite, really–boundaries allow you to ask for what you need in a way that is as straightforward and conflict – free as possible.
Get Support
After a toxic relationship, finding support can be incredibly helpful. These relationships have a way of leaving you doubting your own thoughts and conclusions about everything. Being with others who can share how they see things can be vital in helping you begin to trust your own thoughts and judgments again. You are absolutely not alone in what you’ve been through. Being in a supportive community, like The Little School of Big Change or similar groups, can point you back toward your own health and wisdom.
Recognizing a Toxic Relationship
If you notice the following signs in your partner, you may be in a toxic relationship:
- Your partner is not interested in your opinion and criticizes it
- The end of your relationship is not important to your partner
- Your partner is not willing to work on things in the relationship
- You feel provoked or manipulated by your partner
- You feel badly about yourself in this relationship
- Your partner doesn’t care about your feelings
If you have noticed any or all of these unhealthy relationship signs, it’s time to consider ending this relationship.
Heal from Toxic Relationships with Dr. Amy Johnson
Amy Johnson is a psychologist and Change Coach who helps people find freedom from anxiety, habits, relationship issues, insecurity and low self-esteem. She has written several books and leads live courses and group coaching.
Amy Johnson helps people overcome toxicity in relationships through insight and wisdom, not willpower.
One of Amy Johnson’s most popular books is The Little Book of Big Change, about the principles behind the human experience. The Little Book of Big Change shares a unique approach to healing toxic relationships, codependency, and insecurity.
If your relationship is causing anxiety or you are worried about your toxic relationship, this book will help. The Little Book of Big Change will help you understand what is at the root of your anxiety, low self-esteem, and self-destructive habits.
Bottom Line
The slightest manifestation of toxicity in a relationship can lead to pain and suffering. Therefore, if you recognize any of these characteristics of an unhealthy relationship, be honest about this and take steps to help yourself.
About the Author
Amy Johnson, PhD is a psychologist, coach, author, and speaker who shares a groundbreaking new approach that helps people find lasting freedom from unwanted habits, anxiety, and self-doubt via insight rather than willpower.
She is the author of Being Human, The Little Book of Big Change: The No-Willpower Approach to Breaking Any Habit, and Just a Thought: A No-Willpower Approach to End Self-Doubt and Make Peace with Your Mind. In 2017 she opened The Little School of Big Change, an online school that has helped thousands of people find freedom from anxiety and habits and live a more peaceful life.
Amy also shares the no-willpower approach in her top-rated podcast, Changeable and she’s trained over 70 coaches in her Change Coach Training Program. She has been a regularly featured expert on The Steve Harvey Show and Oprah.com, as well as in The Wall Street Journal and Self magazine.
