As little girls, we’re told we Can-Have-It-All. 
Martha Beck says: We can have it all…except sleep.
Courtney Martin says: They tell us we can do anything, but what we hear is that we must do everything.
So, can we have it all? I’m exploring this in my own life.
The Problem
Here’s my current, typical morning:
Wake up at 6, work out until 7, shower, coffee. Eyes glued to the baby monitor through all of these. The waking up, the exercise, the shower…all done in a race against the buzzer, where the buzzer = baby’s awake and trying to scale the railing of her crib. It’s Morning v. Willow.
She usually sleeps until 7:15. But on those random mornings when she’s up before 7 the routine needs to be adapted. Something’s gotta give, and I can assure you it’s never the baby. (Or the coffee). Chalk up one to Can’t-Have-It-All.
The next 90 minutes or so are spent getting her fed, diapered and dressed, and then playing for a while. That’s when the conflict really starts.
I begin checking emails, reviewing my appointments for the day, making my to-do list, all while Willow plays in the same room. Me on the laptop, baby wanting to be held or talked to or listened to. It’s Work v. Willow.
Although I’m an Olympic juggler, I’m also painfully aware that juggling means neither work nor Willow gets my full attention. The baby may be smiling and I may be sufficiently articulate in my emails, but the inner tug-of-war can quickly leave me feeling defeated. Can’t-Have-It-All –2; Can-Have-It-All –0.
At this point, you might be wondering what I want. Do I want to stay home with my baby or do I want to work? I want both.
But I want both 100%, not 50/50. I want to be Carol Brady (because yes, I also want a housekeeper), spending the day with Willow at the park, going on play dates, and putting on heels and make up just to greet my husband at the door with a martini at 5 o’clock.
And I want my career, full-out, no distractions, no pumping or nursing breaks, no need to rush home by 5. I want to travel, and talk to interesting people at coffee shops, and collaborate with other coaches, and write until 2am and sleep in until 10, and coach, and blog, and tweet.
I don’t want to dabble in motherhood and have a half-cocked career. No way.
And I definitely don’t want the Academy Award for juggling anymore. I don’t even want to be nominated.
The Solution. Or getting closer to one, anyway.
For me, it’s knowing my values and living from them. Allowing my values to guide my choices as much as humanly possible.
As I’ve discussed before, you kind of have to actually think about and write out your values. Assuming that your life is already a reflection of your values doesn’t cut it.
I’ve learned to say no to anything that isn’t in line with my values. It’s not always easy to say no, but there’s just no way I’m going to take away from what I deeply value just because I’m afraid to disappoint someone.
If someone asks me to spend my time doing something that I don’t truly want to do, I remind myself that everything is a choice. Committing myself to one course of action closes the door to others. That means that doing the un-fun interview or taking on a pro bono client or cleaning my neighbor’s garage takes away from being with my family and doing work that I love.
It’s not about being selfish or unhelpful. There are many helpful, selfless things that I really want to do, and I do them.
It’s about know what’s really important to me and acting in service of those things. If my kid is important I’m going to prioritize my kid, period. Too many people talk about what’s most important to them and then ignore those things or take them for granted. They’re slaves to what less important people ask of them.
To Have It All, I’ve found I can’t do that. It just doesn’t make sense to ignore my highest priority values in service of something that barely makes the list.
This is how I’ve managed to get as close to Having It All as I can. I still have room for improvement, but I’m working on it.
How do you Have It All?
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I maybe a little late in posting to this blog, but I must say…I just met with my mentor today who gave me the Frank Covey version of understanding my values and mission in life, asking me to complete them by the next time we meet. I have been through the First Things First book by Steven Covey (twice) but am in a totally different place. It will be interesting to see where I end up with this. I go to school part time, work full time, and just started a non-profit agency (a dream 15 years in the making). The funny thing is, I do HAVE IT ALL! I may still be working to reap the rewards, but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, so I just keep going toward the goal!
Thanks, Dr. Amy!! As Always!!
You DO have it all and that’s awesome! Especially with everything you’re juggling, knowing your values is so key. Good for you! xo
Hi Amy – Thank you for this. You have NO idea how closely our lives parallel. I agree – know your values. It’s amazing how much better I got at this once I had three kids under three to juggle. And asking for help is also a way to have it all. I don’t feel guilty anymore for wanting it all. I want to have my work, my family AND a clean house. I get outside help for all of it. I do a lot of self-coaching tho. Because the house gets dirty, a lot. 🙂
Love it, Amy! You are right on. I’ve been there…….Left a corporate job to stay home with babies and start my own business. Yes, it’s a struggle to prioritize. But now that they’re in school full time and I have more time for business, I can look back and cherish my “carpet time”. It wasn’t all roses and sometimes I thought I’d never get out of the house, but I have no regrets – AT ALL!
BTW, Elise Keaton of Family Ties and Claire Huxtable were my inspiration. A huge family, plus a successful architect and lawyer. Do you remember the commercial for Jean Nate’. “I can bring home the bacon………fry it up in a pan………..and never let him forget he’s a man!…..Cause I’m a woman!” No pressure, right?
Good point, Amylia. Isn’t it amazing how much help we do get, and how much more we can have, when we just ask? Thanks for your comment!
Oh Dr. Amy,
This is sound advice. I was skeptical in the beginning wondering how you were going to explain to us (already guilt prone women) that it is possible to have it all. I would add one caveat to this–it takes a village. Or at least some help. I think it’s possible to be close to “having it all,” but only if you can let go of some things, take them off your plate (as you mentioned) and give people the gift of asking for help and letting them actually help you. Whether it’s to hire that housekeeper or babysitter who comes in for a few hours every day (or once a week, or even once a month so you and hubby can have a date), I’m learning to get better at asking for help. I am a bit of a perfectionist in certain areas so I try to do too many things and end up not even starting them because I’m afraid I can’t do it perfectly. Good topic for another post maybe! Ok, time to stop procrastinating and work on creating my syllabus for that class I’m teaching.
Thanks for the article.
🙂 Amylia