I’m Not Proud of Myself

smiling woman at apple standI’m unbelievably grateful that I am no longer caught up in the binge eating habit that felt so powerful for eight years.

I’m grateful that I no longer have panic attacks, near-constant worry, and so many irrational fears and insecurities.

But when someone asked me recently if I was proud of myself for leaving these behind, the question caught me off guard.

I’m not proud of myself at all. Pride and “myself” had nothing to do with it.

I didn’t create my own freedom. If I could have created my own freedom, I would have done it years earlier.

People say, “But you stopped numbing uncomfortable feelings, that’s something. That’s hard and you did it, yay you! You should give yourself more credit.”

Feeling isn’t always fun, but I didn’t suddenly do something I could have done before. It wasn’t an action step like, Step One: Feel stuff, “oh, I never thought of that! You know, this just might end my habits and anxiety! Why didn’t I think of this before?”

I felt exactly as much as I could in exactly the way I could, always. You do too. At one point feeling involved anxiety and binge eating and at another point it looked very different.

Things were seen and felt and actions were taken. But I can’t take credit for them just like I don’t blame myself for not having seen those things or taken those actions sooner.

Sometimes people HATE hearing this. I would have (and still do at times) too. We love to feel in control, as if change is a choice, but sometimes we forget that If you get credit for making the “right” choices, you also get the blame for the “wrong” choices. How could it only work one way?

Could it be that shifts in consciousness happen, new things are seen, actions are taken or stopped, and we all have a mind that loves taking credit so it can feel in control?

 

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